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We want to get the word out. If you're bowled over by our words of wisdom (or doubled over with laughter, instead), we hope you'll take advantage of our current offer to download the entire E-Book FOR FREE! Click here to go to the download page. Or click on the links at the top or bottom of the page. Foreword and Apology: Once in a great while a book comes along that is so deep, so soul-stirringly profound, that it defies understanding on its own. One such book is The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne. Other examples include The Bible and the collected works of William Shakespeare. A work of the magnitude of The Secret cries out for an interpreter to fully unearth the complex nuances of the messages in the book and present them to the world in plain English. Only then can the full, stunning brilliance of The Secret be appreciated. We have written The Screed for you, dear reader. You are the unbiased and unsuspecting public on whom The Secret was unleashed. If you have read The Secret you may be asking yourself, do I have a brain cell left? Is it just me? That's because The Secret has socked you in the face with such monumental truths and revelations that you're probably still flat on your back. But there is help. To fully understand and take advantage of the deep mysteries revealed in The Secret, you need The Screed. The Secret by itself is like a peek through a keyhole, but the Screed flings the door wide open. Once you know The Answer to The Secret, there is no limit to what you can do, just by using your thoughts. Think about that. NO LIMIT!!! You are the most powerful being in the universe, and everyone else has the same power as you. ISN'T THAT AWESOME?!!! The Secret is one of the best selling books of recent times. Since its publication in November 2006, it has sold over 500,000 copies and is currently the #2 selling book on amazon.com (as of April Fools Day 2007). The publisher has ordered a printing of 2 million more copies. On the face of it, to me, and perhaps to countless other people, the success of this book is a complete enigma. It must be The Emperor's New Clothes phenomenon. Okay, let's get real for a moment. That book is a collection of the most vacuous, simple-minded, devoid of content, repetitive, moronic drivel I've ever read. By a country mile. It is so preposterous that it was hard to parody, since it is almost a parody of itself. Just a nudge and The Secret could have become The Screed, which I hope will give you all a lot of good, solid laughs. The most amazing thing about The Secret is that somehow they knew the authors and the publisher that this book was guaranteed to suck in millions of the unwary public. That is the true Secret, and they knew it -- how to con people so well they don't have a clue they're being ripped off. The true Law of Attraction, people are attracted to mindless drivel if just for a second you can convince them it's really the magic word. Have fun with it. The Screed, I mean.  With deepest gratitude, I wish to thank all those who have contributed their searing insight to The Screed, without whom this weighty little volume would never have been brought into this world. What a shame it would have been if it had been flushed down the toilet of life like a used condom. Specifically, I want to thank my brother-in-law, Peter, a sigma cum laude graduate of the School of Hard Knocks, for having some of the world's funniest one-liners, my son, Brian, for his upliftingly absurd world-view and great observations. I want to thank my son, Nate, for his cynicism and ability to convey in a few sentences the collective attitude of the under-30's set. I am also grateful to my favorite Burger and Beer outlet for its outdoor patio seating which provided the perfect environment for our seminar in which these ideas were born. The traffic noise helped us think and the burgers, fries, ketchup and cokes also created a pleasant buzz in our brains that got the creative juices flowing. Fast food, fast facts. Chapter 1. The Screed Reveals The Answer Let's start at the beginning. No matter who you are, I'm sure you've been looking for The Answer. All your life it is as if you have been flying blind and directionless until this moment. But there is hope for you, gentle reader. You have in your hands one of the most powerful instruments of all time: The Screed. And the reason: "in a word": The Screed reveals The Answer.  Let's hear from Tad Procto.
Tad Procto, one of the greatest geniuses who ever lived, tells us The Answer is the Law of Super Attraction.  Rhoda Byrdbrain, a world famous physicist, philosopher and historian, says "The greatest teachers who ever lived have told us that the Law of Super Attraction is the most powerful law in the universe. "Like attracts like."
"What does Rhoda mean?" Now what do they all mean by the Law of Super Attraction? Is this a physical law like the first law of thermodynamics? That heat and work are mutually convertible? Or is she talking about the law of gravity? No. That can't be right. Gravity is one of the weakest forces in the universe, believe it or not, with a strength that is only 1/1000000000000000000000000000000000000000 of the force that keeps particles together in the nucleus of an atom. So I guess she's not talking about gravity, even though that is the force that keeps the planets in orbit around the sun. Maybe they are talking about the strong force that keeps nucleus of an atom together. To quote from the website: www. hyperphysics.phy-astr.gsu.edu "A force which can hold a nucleus together against the enormous forces of repulsion of the protons is strong indeed." But wait a minute. The protons are alike and have like charge and they have enormous forces of repulsion, not attraction. So I guess for atomic particles, like does not attract like. Maybe the Law of Super Attraction is not the most powerful law in the universe. So it seems we may have a bit of a contradiction here. Rhoda, did you take Physics 101 in College? What grade did you get in the class? Maybe they're not talking about physical laws at all. Perhaps what they mean by "like attracts like" is something entirely different. Perhaps Rhoda really meant something more like "birds of a feather flock together". Could that be the most powerful law in the universe? Then why didn't she say so in the first place.  Let's hear it from Mickey Bernard Braille. Dr. Braille is a spiritual leader whose church is at the very top of Mt. Olympus in... oh, whatever, that spiritual place you can only get to if you believe.
"It has been scientifically proven that an affirmative thought is hundreds of times more powerful than a negative thought. This means you have to be extra careful because positive thoughts are SO powerful they can blow out the left side of your brain. That's also scientifically proven. Not only do your thoughts reach across the entire universe, but they have been traveling since the beginning of time. All the way back to the origin of the universe. Your thoughts. Think about that. Your thoughts have been traveling for eons before you ever existed. That's how powerful your thoughts are. Do you realize that your thoughts, like, for example, "I need to scratch my crotch now, but people might notice" have been traveling since the beginning of time. Or how about, "Wonder if I could get into my next-door neighbor's pants?" That's probably why they call the origin of the universe "The Big Bang".  Meet M. Davey Squirmer. Mr. Squirmer is a blackjack dealer in Las Vegas, Nevada. Mr. Squirmer has made his millions by making people think they can cheat at cards and not get caught.
People are amazed at how I line up parking spaces. I've done this right from when I first understood The Screed. I would visualize a parking space exactly where I wanted it, and by the time I backed my HumVee into the space, whoever was there had miraculously left. It worked 95% of the time. The rest of the time I had to wear a gorilla suit to get that blasted car out of the space, or attack the driver of the other car with a baseball bat. But that was only once or twice, honest. Except of course, when I was driving a police car. You'd be surprised at how fast the other cars all split when they see a police car cruising the parking lot." Of course, one could argue the alternative principle might be the most powerful law in the universe: opposites attract. That's why the negatively charged electrons orbit around the positively charged protons in the nucleus. Or on a slightly larger scale, a big hunky guy with jet black hair is attracted to a petite blonde woman, and vice versa. I'm getting confused here. Which is it? Like attracts like or opposites attract? Maybe that's the deep mystery at the center of the universe. OTHER LAWS THAT MAY COUNTERACT THE LAW OF SUPER ATTRACTION Just as I mentioned above that the idea that opposites attract is in direct conflict with the idea that like attracts like, there are a number of other "laws" that contradict the Law of Super Attraction. Here are some of them, in no particular order: The Law of Strange Attraction All actions will direct you in a chaotic manner to a result you may not necessarily want. The Law of Distraction This law states that you can never get anything done. The Law of Detraction This law proclaims that whatever you accomplish, something bigger will come along to take it all way. The Law of Equal and Opposite Reaction When you tell a bad joke, people don't laugh and you fall flat on your face. The Law of Repulsion When you read something that absolutely sticks in your craw, it is futile to resist the urge to throw up. The more often something is repeated, the more truthful it becomes. The Screed is proof positive of The Law of Accuracy because in this book I repeat The Law of Super Attraction in one form or another at least 200 times. By the end of the book The Law of Super Attraction can be believed with 99.99999% certainty. Rhoda Byrdbrain says:
"The Law of Super Attraction simply gives you whatever you are thinking about." Exquisitely simple. I even saw that in a movie, once. You are sitting on your patio in a lawn chair, just thinking about a huge bag of gold coins just falling out of the sky and landing on your lawn. If a bag of gold coins doesn't appear on your lawn within 15 minutes, then I'm a monkey's uncle. Now suppose you happen to be thinking about the actual --- this really happened -- weird event where a jet plane was flying over some part of North America and the toilet holding tank sprung a leak and dropped its waste into the sky. The waste froze into a big blob on the way down and a strange lump of perfumed blue ice landed in someone's backyard. At first they thought it was an alien, until they saw the toilet paper and... So now that I've planted this thought in your head. Go out in your backyard and imagine a big blob of blue ice that came from the toilet of an airplane landing in your backyard. No, I dare you. JUST DO IT. Go out there, and dollars will get you doughnuts, there IS a big blob of strange-smelling blue ice sitting there. Isn't there? Just because you thought about it. Now do you believe in the Law of Super Attraction? The Law of Super Attraction is a very ancient law and one of the most basic parts of everything in the universe. It is manifested all around us in so many fundamental, familiar ways. Here are some everyday examples that may be familiar to you: Shit attracts flies The back of your refrigerator attracts moldy and rotten food, in both jars and plastic bags. Never met a mouse that didn’t like peanut butter. Hardware stores are irresistible to human males. (It’s a proven fact. Only one adult male in 1000 can pass up a power tool sale). Females of the human species cannot resist small objects that sparkle (aka gemstones, usually found in jewelry stores). Your Mantra Try this exercise. Walk along the street, normally, at your usual pace, relaxed, swinging your arms as usual. Now as you do this repeat the following phrase over and over: “Shit attracts flies”. First say it aloud until it becomes second nature. Then you can just repeat this in your head as your power grows: “Shit attracts flies… Shit attracts flies.” Soon you will get it: The Law of Super Attraction. You are learning The Answer. (And if you say it loud enough, the once crowded sidewalk has opened wide for you.) Once you know how to use The Screed, your horizons begin to expand almost as fast as the speed of light. When you feel yourself imbued with the power of The Answer, nothing is impossible. For example, try the following: #1 Walk on Water Try this exercise. Visualize yourself stepping lightly across the surface of a body of water, as if it were dry land, or a solid surface of stepping stones. You walk normally, thinking only about reaching your destination, the other side. If you do this correctly, you will not sink! Only the soles of your feet will be slightly wet. If Jesus could do this, this is scientific proof that anyone can. It's a piece of cake, really. As a warm-up, try this first in your swimming pool, preferably at the shallow end if you can't swim, and do use a flotation device in deep water. Depending on how quick a learner you are, this can take more or less time to master. Take your first steps. If you are using The Answer to its full power, this is guaranteed to work. You will not sink. If you get wet, concentrate harder. You were letting your negativity get in the way. Thoughts like "I can't believe this" or "this defies the laws of physics" or "this only happens in cartoons". If you have thoughts like this, you haven't absorbed the full power of The Answer. Take a deep breath and try again. Soon, you'll have mastered the swimming pool without any flotation. Now you're ready for bigger challenges, like Lake Michigan or Puget Sound. Hey, why not hike to Europe! Or, click here to check out the Cast of phenomenal experts who have contributed their knowledge to The Screed.  | Return Home | Preview the Screed | Meet the Cast | Great Links | FAQ Page | Contact Us | Download Page | Surprise! | |
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